Tiny Dust

要相信八字吗？

Mon, 20 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

蔡崇达在《命运》里说，重要的是在面向巨大的未知的恐怖时，这里有一条明确的路，多难走都会让人很心安。他讲的是神明。

我虽然没有和神明有过很多沟通，但是我找到了适合我的版本——八字。

我本来是一个很不信命的人。去年冬天突发奇想，用AI算了一次八字，准确度大概有60-70%。那时最大的感受是觉得蛮神奇，但并没有很上心。

最近的种种让我又想起八字，并且更深入地看了一些讲解八字的视频，比如徐玉兰老师。徐老师有个比喻我很喜欢。她说，命理是气象预报，你可以听，也可以不听，差别就是你会不会在预报有台风天的时候还一定要出去爬山。

重新按照徐老师的方法看八字，我命中火土旺，容易急躁，所以碰到像2026、2027这样火大的年份，其实最好的选择是“躺平”。不过这并不是什么都不做，而是将重心由“外”转到“内”。

回想来，这一年我的确本能地选择了这种生活方式——既然工作不顺，那就先休息，调养身体和心情，等休息好了再去找新的方向。在休息的时候，我也开始写作。这既是一种创意的输出（符合我的食神），也是一个重新整合自我和过去的机会。Again，之前我并不知道这是一条能让我走出阴霾的路，只是本能地想写东西。

回到最近的事，这一次我也从八字里找到一些安慰。最重要的结论大概是，一切体验皆为修行。我要重新找回之前完整、积极、充满生命力的自己，接下来的生活只会变得更好。

这两天身体好很多，非常期待这个周末重返健身房和舞房，在一整个月后，终于能回到让我安心的生活里。

Be at peace with oneself

Mon, 06 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I've thought long and hard about what I'm looking for.

At first it was how exceptional he is on paper. Then it was how much he wants me. Then I wanted someone for whom I'd fall head over heels. Then I analyzed everything with my therapist, decided to ditch all of that and declare, "I just want a good man with good values and boundaries. Someone who'd do what they say they'd do." At the end, it led me to seek someone who is quietly confident and can step up when needed.

None of these were wrong. They were what I needed in that particular moment. But none of them worked out.

Growing up, although my parents are together and I'm surrounded by families that are still intact, I can see the cracks and the ugliness. I swore I'd never be in that situation. I wanted a different kind of partnership, but I didn't know what it would look like.

Embarrassingly, most of my adult life, I floated around like an untethered balloon. I can't say I was unhappy, but I also wasn't happy. I didn't have a purpose or even know that I needed one. I simply existed, reluctantly.

Then it all hit me with crushing power. Overnight I lost my armor and was stripped completely naked - my sense of self, my detachment and attachment, my pride, my coping mechanism. I was thrown into a dark cold chamber alone with my own demons, waiting to devour me.

I dug my hands into the dirt, scraped my knees until blood came out then dried into scabs. I felt my insides ripped apart then put back together. Yet I stayed with it.

Then one day, I saw a flicker of light at a distance. It was dim but determined, so I followed it. That was 6 years and I-lost-count-of-how-many-therapists ago.

Now sitting at my desk and typing these words, I get it. The thing I'm looking for isn't all that complicated, but it's better than anything I could ever dream of - be at peace with oneself. And it's not out there, it has finally arrived in me.

What I thought was my biggest, most shameful secret gives me the capacity to sit with pain, discomfort and the messy humanness. What I complained to be a huge waste of time spent with the wrong person taught me how to hold different perspectives, even if I disagree. What looked like a who-is-chicken-first game in the past showed me that I can step up and do the right thing when needed.

One of my exes told me that it's better to be respected than to be liked.

What game changer.

Love is beautiful, but above love, I want to respect and be respected. That's the peace I'm looking for - to know that I live the values I'm seeking, and lead with nothing but integrity and grace.

Blame and consequences

Thu, 16 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

It's so much easier to blame someone else for everything. They should've been more understanding. They are so close-minded. They didn't give me enough time. They should've worked on themselves more.

Blame makes the world go around, right?

It also keeps the mind trapped, and turns it into the most obsessive lawyer/detective in the world. It replays the story over and over, trying to prove that I am the "good" one, that I deserve more than that.

So what if I were right? I'm still left empty-hearted. And most of the time, I can't even win this argument against myself. I just end up being stuck.

A long time ago, I was consumed by the fear of regret. My therapist said, "It's not so much about not having regrets, but more about if you can live with the consequences."

Ah, consequences. I had a part in this, too. Sure, I would've liked more time to tell my story right (not to alter the truth, but to tell it with more context, more emotional journey, more nuance). Now I must live with the consequences from my own actions.

And even if I did everything right, would it change the outcome? Not necessarily. Even if I did everything right and they did everything right, people are still entitled to their boundaries. I must respect the boundaries.

I feel myself yearning to lean in, offer more, hope for more, hold on for more, just because I think I can help. But that's exactly it - nobody asked for it. So if the lesson didn't stick this time, it will come back again. And again. And again, until it finally sinks in. That's not my concern.

A truly graceful goodbye is cutting ties cleanly. Wish the other person well, claim my part in the story, and take back my energy.

So is this finally it? Accept what I cannot change, and have the courage to keep going.

Depositing for the future

Thu, 09 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I finally did it, paid my deposit to the future bank :)

When I arrived the clinic at 6:30 am, the nurse took my vitals. The BP looked something like 88/55, and she had to retake it because it seemed so low. But at the end, we concluded that it was likely because I just got up without eating or drinking anything.

The prep room was quiet and a bit cold, especially after taking a cocktail of drugs that were supposed to calm me down. Completely butt naked sitting in the robe, I felt myself sinking deeper, drifting, piece by piece. Then a light switch flipped, my whole vision went dark.

When I opened my eyes again, I was met with these mesmerizing blue eyes - the surgeon came to say hi before the procedure, but I couldn't make out anything she said. Another nurse came to confirm my identity. Which was way harder than I anticipated - I couldn't focus enough to mutter my own name or birthday. "20...20..." I kept repeating, although my birthday starts with "19".

Then the nurse took me to the washroom one last time before going into the OR. I felt dizzy and not in control of my own feet. I laughed. I tried to move the IV pole to the left but it kept going right. I laughed. With the laugh came the tears, then it became just the tears. I almost felt sad but not sure why.

The nurse asked tenderly, "Feeling emotional?"

I nodded.

The OR was a whole another planet. Dark, cold, serious, clinical, very much Grey's Anatomy. I saw the staff all looking at me, like they had been waiting for this moment.

The second I touched the table, my whole body started shaking uncontrollably, almost like a seizure. I asked the doctor how I could stop, she said it was totally normal with the nerves and cold. Then a piece of warm and comforting blanket was draped over me.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus on this inner storm that came out of nowhere. My shaky right shoulder kept banging on the OR table. I couldn't hear any other sounds. I felt pressure and pinching in my lower abdomen. Then out of nowhere, the shaking stopped. I was alone.

The procedure was quick. The nurse woke me gently and said, "All done. Let's get you back."

I was wheeled back to the prep room, onto the bed, closed my eyes for a minute.

According to the friend who picked me up, I was speaking gibberish. He knew it was English, but none of the words made any sense. I fell asleep instantly when I got in the car, then straight to bed for another uninterrupted deep sleep for 4 hours.

Now finally sobering up in the evening, I sense lightness. The glimpse of hope I clung on to before the procedure, the beautiful wishes I whispered to my body, the repeating loops in my head. They're all replaced with the stillness of the kitty, quietly observing me from behind the railing on the stairs.

Tomorrow is going to be another day.

Fish don't exist

Tue, 14 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

Books, like a lot of other things, need to come in a person's life at the right time. Too early, you won't get it. Too late, the moment has passed.

I picked up Why Fish Don't Exist back in May because of some recommendation on Substack. To be honest, I was confused by the first half - a lot was going on and the author kind of lost me. Life felt too bright to read this somber book, so I temporarily put it down.

Three days ago, I decided it was time to go back to it. Guess what? Everything I needed to hear was in this book.

The seemingly random arcs of the story WAS leading to a point - what you wholeheartedly believed to be true, the structure, the categories, the good vs. bad, right vs. wrong... is not real. The world is ruled by Chaos. It sounds disheartening, but once you accept the Chaos, you're free see the bigger picture, the messy truth of nature.

This is exactly the arc of my story.

Similar to the author, I also grew up with the strange idea that I didn't matter. Not that anyone has ever said that to me, but I was also never told otherwise.

The first 30 years of my existence, I lived a detached and lonely life. I was around people but never felt seen. I got invited to all kinds of activities, but I knew I was an outsider. Some days I wish I never existed.

Of course, I could never admit to any of this. Instead, I built a shield of cynicism, distance, and extreme practicality. I called it my personality.

Then, after I turned 31, something happened. I was knocked out of my monotonal orbit. The relationships, the family. Things were falling apart faster than I could keep count. Then came the "fish don't exist" moment - nothing I thought mattered meant anything, and I wasn't who I thought I was at all.

Last year when I was traveling in Yunnan, I saw these beautiful handmade fish ornament. A deep blue body, slightly smaller than the size of a palm, with white lines and stars sewn into it. On the very top where mouth is, a thick red string is connected through a red and white pom pom. I hadn't heard of the book yet, and fell for the fish at first sight. I immediately bought two - one for myself, one as a gift for a friend.

I never ended up giving the second one to said friend, and the little fish just sat in my drawer for 6 months. Until the longest day in June, I met a beautiful man with eyes that press into little moons when he smiles. Instantly, I knew the fish belonged to him. He accepted the gift.

Then weeks later, in the remnant of the breakdown, I finished the last page, looked up and saw the fish on my shelf. It hit me - that was no ordinary gift. It was a message.

Although I didn't understand the book back then, something must have guided me toward giving the fish to him. I must have recognized something familiar, and I gifted him the most important lesson I've learned in this life with the only way I knew how.

I later found out that he has indeed been carrying his "belief in fish" all these years. I could see it wearing him down.

I wonder if he'll read these words one day, or he'll finally get the message, or he'll never think twice and toss the fish out.

Just like the Chaos, that's out of my control.

Hello World and new goals!

Tue, 23 Jun 2026 00:00:00 GMT

This is the very first blog on Tiny Dust! Woohoo!!

Although I've been working in tech for over a decade, it was still confusing to set this up and customize it the way I wanted. For now, I've kept everything clean and simple. In the future, I will add more features and fun interactions.

The last time I blogged freely was back in university. After that, writing was mostly reserved for papers, decks, reports and personal branding (like for coaching). So I'm a bit unsure what to expect now that I can write just about anything that's on my mind. Sometimes more freedom can be more intimidating. This could be wild.

The most exciting thing in my life right now is probably this - after nine months into the gap year, I think I've finally found a direction I'm excited about.

I've been weight-training consistently and following a training program for a full year (yay me!). I'm very proud of the progress I've made. At the same time, the more I look into this field, the more information jumps out at me. Every other day there seems to be a new trend. Without any medicine or anatomy knowledge, it's geniunely difficult and confusing to choose what info to listen to. It's even worse when it comes to women's health. I'm sure lots of other people share the same frustration.

That's why I've started taking the Health and Medicine course on Khan Academy. Although the course is no longer maintained, it still being recommended as an excellent foundational course on anatomy. So far I've covered the intros of most of the human body systems, and am deepdiving on the Circulatory System. In July, I plan to start a persoanl training course and eventually get certified as a NASM coach.

Lots to do in the next 6 months, and I have a feeling that everything is going to be fantastic.

Intuition

Sun, 19 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I used to not believe in intuition. Or should I say, I didn't believe I had it. Whenever people talk about it, it just so sounds spiritual, distant, and vague. So phrases like "trust your gut" confused the hell out of me.

What do you mean gut??

Funny enough, since all external noises (the job, the boyfriend, the family) were removed, I'm actually beginning to sense something.

I stopped hitting my head against writing in English, and chose to come back to writing in a different language. My stories flowed. That's intuition.

I choose my sports based on how I feel, and they turn out to be the thing I need the most. Krav Maga for confrontations. Surfing for letting go of control. Weight training for becoming stronger. That's intuition.

I let go of the chatter in my brain, and said exactly what's on my mind. The other person smiled back with a big grin. That's intuition.

It's not that complicated at all. Intuition comes up in the gap between thoughts. Quiet and soft.

Watch out for self-judgment though. The voice that says, "You're being too sensitive," or "it's not that bad," or "I don't deserve it" - that's the judgment trying to muffle the intuition.

I felt a pull towards Taiwan yesterday. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should go visit. Then this morning I woke up to a reply on a comment from my Taiwanese pen pal. She invited me to come and visit Taiwan! For the second time!

That was the sign. The thought of finally visiting the island made my heart swell. So now I'm planning a trip to Taiwan this year. Still not sure what I'll find there, but the whisper is so loud that I can't ignore it.

Need for stories

Wed, 15 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I have a strong need for stories - they're how I make sense of the world and myself. It's hard to sit with complete randomness and call it a day. Yes, shit does happen. But in my mind, as long as I can give it meaning, I can integrate it and then be free of it.

This need sometimes drives me into incessant cycles of asking "why", "what does this mean", "what if I was wrong", "could I have done it differently", "what is the lesson here", and more.

I'm not sure when it all started. Maybe it stems from all those bedtime stories with my parents? Or maybe it began when I started experimenting with writing my own fictions as a teenager?

These days I enjoy telling stories from my life. A quote from a TV show I've been rewatching (Community), a friend's warm gesture during the week, or a visit to the ER. It triggers a distant and dormant memory. I see the connections now. I document them. By writing these stories, my life seems to become a little lighter.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm forcing meaning where there isn't any.

That's an uncomfortable thought - holding meaningful and meaningless at the same time. That dichotomy is where I see a lot of people trip up. Once they believe in something, they can't hold room for anything else.

I want to believe the world is more complex and nuanced than what meets the eye. Maybe sometimes life is logical and scientific, and other times mysteries and stories rule the day.

The writing then is my way of staying curious about the world. My stories could be completely wrong, but I'm here to witness it.

Not giving a fuck

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

Sometimes you just need a dose of brutally honest truth delivered as directly as possible.

When I first read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, it was good but I didn't love it, though I've carried "If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no" with me ever since.

I came across Manson's video again the other day, and I thought, hmm I wonder how he would give me advice on my various situations. So I tried it out with AI.

The results - so good. It was clear, clean, no bs and calling it as what it is. I felt a shift in me.

In the past, I've always been the person who gives more understanding, more compassion, more humanity. But now I begin to think that some people simply don't deserve it. Not in a they-are-a-bad-person-so-they-don't-deserve-it kind of way, but in a they-haven't-showed-up-fully-that-deserves-my-limited-energy kind of way.

I can't keep giving out second, third, fourth chances and see you for what you could be, when you don't even believe in it yourself.

I decide to stop giving away my love and energy so freely. You must earn it.

I don't expect the person to prove themselves per se, but I will be watching: when I showed up fully, can you hold it? When I offer grace, can you mirror it back? If not, sorry this isn't working for me.

So long, minimum effort and insincere walls. I ain't got no time for this shit.

Season 2

Fri, 10 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

All great TV shows start with a strong first season and end with a cliffhanger that leaves you wanting more. Running Point. Sex Education. Friends. Community. Fleabag.

So here I am, just wrapped up my Season 1 and am contemplating what Season 2 is going to look like.

For the rest of 2026, my original plan includes getting my NASM-CPT and visiting Asia (maybe Japan). I'm also planning to spend more time on dancing and working on the foundations. I don't think the plan has changed, but how I feel about it has, somewhat.

I went from being open to whatever might come to searching for a specific answer.

I don't know what I'll find. But the pure, unadulterated exploration is not it anymore.

Rilke wrote, "Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

This quote once brought immense comfort to my heart. And now I need to remind myself again, that I must live the questions.

People are so impatient (I'm so impatient), especially after they (I) get a glimpse of what could be.

I need to find a small pocket in my heart, safely stash away the question, gently pat on it, and say, "There there." Then one day when I forget all about it, I'd be as surprised and happy as I would when finding a $5 bill in a winter jacket.

I once heard that squirrels stash away so much food for the winter wherever they can, they forget where they store them. Kind of a hilarious image. I could be like that squirrel, doing everything I can do prepare for the winter, only to realize later, oh man, where did I put that peanut?

Back to Season 2 - I'm unsure what to expect. But if I just keep going, the cliffhanger will answer itself, right?

Shadows of the past

Sat, 04 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

One of the downsides of getting old is the amount of shadows you accumulate. Some might call it baggage, trauma, skeleton. As adults, we work hard to put it behind us or hide it, but some are stubborn and they linger.

I suppose I have a big one.

It haunts me every time I get excited about someone. I wonder if they'll really be able to see me and like me for who I am. Hidden under that initial excitement is a thick sticky layer of anxiety, inferiority and anticipation of that inevitable, dreaded conversation.

I pride myself for being an honest person, something I've worked hard on for the past several years. Those conversations are always a test - can I, in this critical moment of all or nothing, still be honest about something I'd rather take to the grave? My palms are sweaty and heart racing. I can barely look at them.

Sometimes all goes well. I receive acceptance, and a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes it's a resounding no. The world crumbles and I'm sent into endless self-shaming and spiral (yes I do feel intensely).

How I wish things were different, simpler. How I wish I could redo the worst parts of my existence. It's excruciating when I see hope AND know that there's nothing I could do to change the outcome.

Sometimes I do wonder if it's better to say nothing at all, and pretend that conversation would never arrive. But deep down, I'd know that if that were the case, I wasn't being seen fully, and maybe not loved fully.

Which is all I want - and hope to give - at the end of the day.

Summer Solstice

Mon, 13 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I'm beginning to wonder if I've given things more meaning than what they deserve.

I don't believe in God, but I do have a soft spot for the Universe. And I believe that people see what they want to see, and sometimes call it a sign.

This time around, there were way too many "coincidences" or "signs", like a symphony of synchronicities if you will, that it was almost foolish to ignore them. What could they mean?

But, what if, they mean nothing at all? If the ending has already happened, do the signs still matter?

It's a bit too much for my human brain to compute.

But, there are two things I can take concretely from this:

I matter, you matter, we matter. We may not believe it, may not feel enough, may still be waiting to be rescued. But we are. Enough, whole, already holding the answer we've been looking for. You just have to be brave enough to look at it.
It's time for actions. The fairy tale does exist (and I felt it!), but I need to keep moving, because the fairy tale won't happen in the same place, twice.

So, was the windless night on the summer solstice a fated meetup? I want to say yes, though I can't quite comprehend it at the moment - I have a feeling the story isn't finished yet.

The mirror

Fri, 17 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

<div class="poem">it's in this mirror i see you i see me the guilt in you that won't let go the accountability you're not ready for the shame i try to bury the pain i say doesn't exist but the mirror never lies however distant it might be you feel it pulling in stillness, in dreams right here when we try to wish it away but the mirror never lies beyond the despair hides the pale green crane the one i folded the one you lost it might turn up one day, still as long as you look into the mirror you see me you see you </div>

The Odyssey

Tue, 21 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

Just as I decided to not believe in the Universe or fate or whatever because too much is unexplainable, I went to the cinema and watched The Odyssey.

It's not what I expected. At all.

What I thought would be a story of a heroic journey turned out to be one of shame, guilt, reconstruction, coming back to a "home" that's no longer home.

Maybe we see what we want to see, but I lost it when Calypso said goodbye to Odysseus. She told him to not defy the ocean anymore with his cleverness, and be completely broken down by it. Letting go of control is the only way to go home.

The sense-making, meaning-seeking, story-recounting - aren't they all a form of control? What is meaning anyways? Maybe there isn't a bigger purpose at all. The only meaning is in the beholder, the seeker.

All there is - all that matters - is my choice right now. I can't think my way out of life, and the only way through is to take life as it comes, and ask myself, what do I actually want? Then whatever happens is up to the sea.

Time does not determine quality

Sun, 05 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

A long, long time ago, I used to believe that time is the sole indicator of the success of a relationship. I thought the longer two people have been together, the stronger their bonds must be.

Maybe? Sometimes it is indeed true. A lot of times it isn't. Too many people spend way too much time with the wrong person. Being together for 10 years is not a badge of honor. It only shows your endurance.

If time doesn't determine quality, what does?

Love isn't my strongest department, but if I could draw from my experience, I'd say it's the alignment and connectedness.

You know what it feels like you want to smack the table because someone said exactly what's on your mind. You can act based on instincts and somehow still say all the right things. Even when you're apart, you feel the invisible thread. Or is it the quantum entanglement?

It's unbelievably rare and precious to have this level of quality. And time has nothing to do with it. You could meet someone for 2 weeks and feel more understood than the accumulative, exhausting love endeavours of your whole life.

Time is more like a placebo - you use it to numb the deep-seated unhappiness of your situation. It's a defense mechanism - you can pledge "not long enough" when you need a way out.

I can't remember exactly when I stopped looking at time as a progress bar. Maybe it happened when I kept missing my own milestones. Must I get married by 30? Must I have kids by 35?

If we take time at face value, it's simply a reminder that we're losing something. It should be a reminder that we're on this beautiful earth and life journey for so little time, and that none shall be wasted numbing the mind.

Trusting my own perception

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

You know the moment when something passes, you think back and wonder, did it really happen? Did I really feel what I think I felt?

What it's saying is - can I really trust my own perception?

I know what science says: every time you recall a piece of memory, you change it slightly. The difference is so tiny you might not even realize what you've done, until the entire story is completely distorted.

I wanted desperately to have one conclusive narrative so I could move on. Or at least a reason why. So at first, I tried to believe that it was all in my head and it was nothing significant. But it just didn't sit right with me.

My heart knew something was different. The never-ending chatter in my head disappeared like the sounds on a fresh snowday. My chest fluttered with surprise and happiness with every frame my eyes let in. The uncanny coincidences, over and over again. The symbolism was written all over it. It's cruel and arrogant to shut it down without care.

It might sound unreal to another person, because it was unreal.

But it wasn't that simple.

The same sunny mountain can turn dark and gloomy in a second. Where I offered honesty and vulnerability, I received judgment and attack in return. I couldn't help but to feel small and invisible, slowly disappearing into myself. But that damned empathy wouldn't let me rage.

So here you have it, all of the clues I'm confronted with. Should I trust them? Should I trust that magic and hurt can co-exist? That this was damn close to the real deal but still not quite it?

The romantic in me wants to - and will - hold space for magic. But I reject cynicism, denial and lack of nuance.

With that, I'm returning to what I was doing before with a bit more hope - becoming the healthiest, happiest and most alive self I could possibly be. And one day, just maybe, the magic will find me again.

What next

Tue, 28 Jul 2026 00:00:00 GMT

I was hoping for peace but didn't expect it to arrive so quietly and suddenly.

No new messages on the phone. No urgent matters that require my attention. No interesting videos on Youtube. Not a sound nor a drop of cortisol.

To be honest, I'm not used to this - my brain is missing the high speed pursuit after the past few weeks.

From this place of nothingness, this do-over, I must ask myself: What is it that I want? What do I want to make come true?

I'm on Day 5 of the personal training course, and I'm already imagining what it would be like to work with clients. Maybe a few clients at the gym and summer group workouts in the park? Or a way of connecting the physical training with coaching for the mind? How about documenting my journey of tech-fitness transition?

So many possibilities.

There's a Chinese proverb that goes "谋事在人，成事在天“ which translates to you put in the effort of doing the thing and leave the results to the heavens. Sounds like something I should give a try now.