I’ve thought long and hard about what I’m looking for.

At first it was how exceptional he is on paper. Then it was how much he wants me. Then I wanted someone for whom I’d fall head over heels. Then I analyzed everything with my therapist, decided to ditch all of that and declare, “I just want a good man with good values and boundaries. Someone who’d do what they say they’d do.” At the end, it led me to seek someone who is quietly confident and can step up when needed.

None of these were wrong. They were what I needed in that particular moment. But none of them worked out.

Growing up, although my parents are together and I’m surrounded by families that are still intact, I can see the cracks and the ugliness. I swore I’d never be in that situation. I wanted a different kind of partnership, but I didn’t know what it would look like.

Embarrassingly, most of my adult life, I floated around like an untethered balloon. I can’t say I was unhappy, but I also wasn’t happy. I didn’t have a purpose or even know that I needed one. I simply existed, reluctantly.

Then it all hit me with crushing power. Overnight I lost my armor and was stripped completely naked - my sense of self, my detachment and attachment, my pride, my coping mechanism. I was thrown into a dark cold chamber alone with my own demons, waiting to devour me.

I dug my hands into the dirt, scraped my knees until blood came out then dried into scabs. I felt my insides ripped apart then put back together. Yet I stayed with it.

Then one day, I saw a flicker of light at a distance. It was dim but determined, so I followed it. That was 6 years and I-lost-count-of-how-many-therapists ago.

Now sitting at my desk and typing these words, I get it. The thing I’m looking for isn’t all that complicated, but it’s better than anything I could ever dream of - be at peace with oneself. And it’s not out there, it has finally arrived in me.

What I thought was my biggest, most shameful secret gives me the capacity to sit with pain, discomfort and the messy humanness. What I complained to be a huge waste of time spent with the wrong person taught me how to hold different perspectives, even if I disagree. What looked like a who-is-chicken-first game in the past showed me that I can step up and do the right thing when needed.

One of my exes told me that it’s better to be respected than to be liked.

What game changer.

Love is beautiful, but above love, I want to respect and be respected. That’s the peace I’m looking for - to know that I live the values I’m seeking, and lead with nothing but integrity and grace.